Silver bloody linings.
Well. I have danced with a fantasy, every now and then when thinking about ways to end things, of being able to give my life in defense of my loved ones. That has a higher chance of being possible now.

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Old poems
While digging through some old files to find my tape stories and such from decades ago I stumbled across some old poems that I rather like.


Hiding

Hiding within fiction books,

In children's tales and serpents' looks,

In puffy clouds of a clear blue sky,

In the lazy drift of a butterfly.



Roaming wild in lovely dreams,

Prowling nightmares, causing screams.

In the mountains turned to stones,

Swimming streams as moist as bones.



Here a twinkle, there a groan

Coming from a place unknown.

Strong as whimsy, swift as sighs,

Can you pierce their fine disguise?



Dragons, gryphons, mermaids fair,

here a fairy, there a were.

Unicorns and pegusi,

Pixies low and giants high.



All are creatures, great and small

That we don't think exist at all.

In our cold world of glass and steel

They just don't have a place as "real".



How have they remained so long

Clinging to life's changing song,

In a world where science rules,

Crushing magic's precious jewels?



In the spark of a baby's eye,

In the dream of man to fly.

In a poet's tortured soul,

There it is they keep their hold.

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I'm out of things to lose.
The man that I love just got engaged today. And I haven't even met her. I visited in November.

I'll find the energy to be happy for his happiness later. I'm too broken now.

Aside from material objects that I enjoy having around me, and general first world conveniences, I believe that leaves me out of things to lose. I do not mean to say that I don't appreciate the friendship of those of you still reading this. I wish you all well in your lives, and I wish that I could help you more than my circumstances allow. However, whatever it says about me as a person, the desire to give things to the people that I value is not enough motivation to elevate myself. Not enough. I don't know. A better job would in theory be good, so that I could afford to not worry about drinking good beer and traveling and seeing movies and just...seeking out beautiful things. But I can't do that. I don't have it in my anymore, not now. The stupid, ridiculous, illogical, crippling fear I have of writing and updating resumes makes throwing apps out there harder than it should be. My history of no degree and only retail experience holds me back from M-F jobs, which means I always have to fight for weekends. I'm so tired of that. And now...I have no money. I have a lot of debt. I have to PAY taxes because health insurance.

Even if I manage to motivate myself to excersize, drop some pounds so that I'm no longer disgusting....what's the point? Fitting into cute clothes and not paying more for bigger sizes is nice and all, but why bother? Who cares? He doesn't. Without that...it doesn't really matter what I look like, beyond basic hygene. It's not like I can afford to be a fantastic cosplayer either. I don't have those skills, and even if I lost all fat I'm not the right shape. Short and compact does not work well with anime outfits.

L5R is functionally gone. FFG will reboot it in 2017, but it won't be the same. I highly doubt a defensive honor Dragon deck will be available. And it's in new hands now, so I am no longer Someone To Know. I'm just another nobody. That was my one and only claim to being...more. And as the year goes on and memories fade, and people move to other games that drifts away.

I'm a firstborn, and a Lead trumpet player. I need to be Somebody. I have failed at that.

I suppose there are movies coming out that I'd like to see, and books to read, if I can ever afford to go out enough to have time to do so. (I used to read over dinner and on afternoons off at home; my parents are retired now, and my mom sits in the front room and listens to loud daytime tv all day now. I can't read there anymore.) Other than that...I will never have the money to travel and see other countries. If I manage to save up enough somehow to move out, that will mean I can never afford to do anything else at all.

I don't really see a point.

It's too much effort right now to figure out a way to escape, and I don't really want to leave my parents with my debt.

I dunno. I guess we'll see where the next few months take me. I promised that I'd be at a few places. Not going to go back on that.

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7 Things!
The prompt/meme/whatever:

Comment to this post, and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random. Then post that list, with your commentary, to your journal. Other people can get lists from you, and the meme merrily perpetuates itself.

I got a bit long winded, so let's see if I can remember how to do this cutting thing...

( Read more...Collapse )

So there we go! :)

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Random Wallpaper Attack!
I recently (Finally) finished watching through all of the original Fullmetal Alchemist series, and the crazy movie. I had started long ago, and then stopped for...some reason I don't remember. Watching the series made me want a Havoc wallpaper for my desktop, but I couldn't find any that I liked in my brief search. (Lazy on the internet is me.) So...I threw this together.



The link goes to theotaku.com, where I uploaded it. I haven't gotten around to editing it into my own webpage yet. *blush*

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SIGNAL BOOST: SAY YES TO GAY YA
Originally posted by darkspirited1 at SIGNAL BOOST: SAY YES TO GAY YA

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Colors!

you are turquoise #40E0D0

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well. Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen. Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

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D&D quiz!
I Am A: True Neutral Half-Elf Ranger (4th Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-16

Dexterity-15

Constitution-15

Intelligence-17

Wisdom-15

Charisma-18


Alignment:
True Neutral A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.


Race:
Half-Elves have the curiosity and ambition for their human parent and the refined senses and love of nature of their elven parent, although they are outsiders among both cultures. To humans, half-elves are paler, fairer and smoother-skinned than their human parents, but their actual skin tones and other details vary just as human features do. Half-elves tend to have green, elven eyes. They live to about 180.


Class:
Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)




Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXX (7)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)

Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXX (5)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaos --- XXXXXXXX (8)

Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Evil ---- XX (2)

Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXX (6)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Gnome ---- XXXXXX (6)
Halfling - XXXXXX (6)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Half-Orc - XX (2)

Class:
Barbarian - (-6)
Bard ------ XX (2)
Cleric ---- (-8)
Druid ----- (-2)
Fighter --- XX (2)
Monk ------ (-25)
Paladin --- (-19)
Ranger ---- XXXXXX (6)
Rogue ----- (0)
Sorcerer -- XXXX (4)
Wizard ---- XXXX (4)

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Anime Central 2011
Acen was fun! Here are my pics!

http://silverdragonsden.com/acen2011.html

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Just got a text from my dad.(I am babysitting for my cousin.) We just lost my great Uncle Bruce. :'( He was ...94 I think? On the beach at d-day. Very lively and able the whole time, until he recently fell and broke his hip, and had to go into surgery to fix it. I guess that began a rapid decline, and his kidneys started failing. At least, by all reports, he went peacefully. The past few weeks in the hospital were rough on him, even though the last report from his nurses was that all of his numbers and such were up and getting better.

He was always fun to talk to at the big family gatherings. I will miss him.

(Pardon any errors here, updating from my phone.)

Current Mood: sad

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Harry Potter Pole dance.
A friend posted this on facebook, and it was fun, so I thought I'd share it with the lj crowd. *grin*

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Impressive balance
My aunt passed along this video of the Chinese ballet doing Swan Lake. Very impressive.

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AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
The other day a giant droning bee-looking thing flew into my room and disappeared. We thought maybe it was going for a crack in the window. There was no noise for about a day, (and that thing was LOUD) so I figured it was safe enough.

This morning I woke up and it was on my pillow.

We caught it in a jar, but man. Not the type of thing you want to wake up to.

Current Mood: awake

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Crossposting is bad.
It seems to be the theme today, which is fine because it's needed. Please don't crosspost anything I put here onto facebook or twitter or whatever. I have accounts on all three, and if I want something in more than one place I'll put it there. This is generally where the more private-type things go.


To add some fun content...went to see Scott Pilgrim again tonight with some friends who hadn't seen it yet. Still a fun movie, and I definitely want to read the manga at some point. (When I can borrow it.) I do wish they'd chosen someone other than Michael Cera for the lead role. Not that he did poorly...but he's not my favorite actor.

In a slightly related topic (video games, yay!) I picked up Harvest Moon: Grand Bazaar and have been playing a bit. It's fun! :) It does have wifi-link capabilities, so if any of you guys are by chance playing and have access to wifi for your ds, shoot me your friend code and we can mess about on the farm! Mwa hah.

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I can't wait until the cooler weather gets here. I am very tired of waking up uncomfortably hot with my head full of allergies, and I really miss sleeping with a comforter. I didn't even get my usual break this year at Gencon since the thermostat was in the other side of the room. Maybe from now on I'll just take my sleeping bag and curl up next to the vents.

Current Mood: uncomfortable

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Apparently my dad DID have a heart attack. Repeating what my mom just told me, they put a stint in one side, and they're going to check the other side tomorrow for blockage. He is now stable, and doing as well as he can be.

On a side note, I had a really strange dream about getting odd drinks and talking to some foreign singing guy while dozing next to the phone for the updates.

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About 40 minutes ago my mom called 911 to have an ambulance come pick my dad up. He has chest pains, and trouble breathing, and sapped energy, and he looked kinda grey. She went with him to the hospital, and my uncle is meeting them there. I stay at home to man the phones. Which sucks because I don't know what's going on.

Current Mood: worried

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Hair chop!
Since it was time for some change, and I kept using the same boring styles...

( Hairchop under the cut!Collapse )

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Tl;dr
( The rest of the astrology thingiesCollapse )

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Since Tess did it...
And it is a lot of fun to read, and check out others...

So, I am Aries, with Aries ascendant, and the moon in Cancer. The descriptions are very long, so I'll cut it.

( horoscope stuff!Collapse )

Interesting. Fun to read, and as usual some parts of it seem to fit a lot more than others.

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